Ever since Pokémon Go made its international debut, the streets have been littered with overly-excited 40 year old man-children and friendly creatures known as… Pokémon. It’s a distraction – pulling us away from our enjoyment of electronic music. Here are 12 dramatic changes that have occurred ever since its creation.
12) YOU MUST OBEY
Everyone loves Pokémon – and so should you.
11) EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT TEN WALLS
10) THERE’S A NEW COMPETITOR IN TOWN
Music has forever been a meeting ground for everyone to have fun and love one another. Who needs love when you can catch mother fucking Zubat in your backyard?
9) EDM DJs ARE NOW ALL ON HIATUS
Music venues are transforming into full-service Pokémon Gyms, as they are attracting the best and most dedicated Pokémon trainers from around the world – such as you.
Remember: you are a Pokémon fiend and you live and die for Pokéballs. Being alert is your thing, and you don’t take shit from anybody. Before you even think about romancing with anyone in the club – you’re going to have to evolve Pidgey (aka the asshole who you nicknamed Russell Crowe) to Pidgeotto. Are we a society of morons?
7) POKÉMON HUNTING VS. RECORD DIGGING
Rather than going to the local record store, there are dozens of grown men still searching for Kingler in Amsterdam’s Vondelpark. To answer the question above – yes, we are a society of morons.
6) WE HAVE A NEW RULER
The Techno Viking has been replaced by none other than Nidoking.
5) CARL COX HAS EVOLVED INTO A PARAS!
Oh no – This can’t be happening!
4) DJS WILL NOW BE BOOKED BASED OFF THEIR POKÉMON XP
Did you lose to Lance? Well go fuck yourself. You are not welcome in our club.
3) CLUBS WILL ATTRACT MORE CREEPY OLD MEN THAN EVER BEFORE
For a couple of other reasons… but yeah, gotta’ love the 90s man.
2) MARCEL DETTMAN IS FUCKED!
With the wide-scale trance induced by Pokémon Go, not even an Ostgut Ton DJ’s mesmerizing sets can captivate listeners.
1) THE GOVERNMENT IS CONSPIRING TO DELETE ARTISTS FROM THE EARTH.
People of all ages are now hypnotically distracted from the realities of life. Is this a plot drafted by world bankers to turn kids away from sex, drugs and flashy club bangerz, and reintroduce them to corny cartoon characters? Yes.